Kindness has nothing on Vodka!

Do you ever have weird and boring conversations with your neighbors that started out really great in your head – Almost Magical – making you a hero with bright sparkling glitter glowing from your skin and sound of angels saying ,  

“  AHHHH “ as you walked away?  

Yah - me either…

In trying to be helpful I handed my neighbor a pair of garden gloves to use.  I was given them by the idiot at some point and just didn’t need them – I thought to myself, in all the shit that came in getting these gloves – I can do some good for someone else.  All these thoughts were very serious and deliberate in my head and I thought out giving away the gloves that I had used twice…

So imagine me (yes, Your VERY OWN Kitty) walking over to the neighbor who is out on her deck with dirt all over and asking if she would like some gloves…(Do you have that picture in your head yet?  Get it right, you will need it!)

Here is how the conversation went.

Kitty: Hi, I saw you out here working on your planters and thought you might like these gardening gloves.  You do a great job with these plants, I pretty much kill everything…(reaching out with gloves to hand her and speaking fast, felt like a turbo jet had taken over my brain and definitely didn’t feel awkward in my head when I had thought it all out – Nope, now it is definitely weird and awkward).

Neighbor: I have gloves (in my head: Shit, I hadn’t thought about that) I just like the dirt in between my fingers.  Makes me feel one with my plants.

Kitty: ~*- Thinking to myself - *~don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor….

Kitty: (with blank stare – pretty sure I saw stars and bumble bees in all my confusion) Oh.  Ok. (I start to walk away because I hadn’t prepared for this scenario.  I had only prepared for the “Gee, Thanks” or the No, you keep them – No, I insist, keep them you need a pair!)

Neighbor: Kitty, thanks for thinking of me.  I was wondering why you have been staring at me for the last 5 or 10 minutes.

Kitty: Staring?  Really?  I was?

Neighbor: I wasn’t sure if you were just zoning out or what…are you ok?  I haven’t seen much of you or the Kitten lately.  I noticed you have been quiet lately…

Kitty: I feel awkward.  I didn’t mean to stare.  I just thought you might like some gloves.  Quiet?  Am I loud?  That reminds me…I need to turn on the music!

Neighbor: If it makes you feel better I will take them … Oh and what kind of music do you listen to?  My husband and I don’t get it at all.  How about some middle of the road stuff in the back yard?

Kitty: No.  I am good.  A little bored right now.  Middle of the road?  What does that mean?

Again  ~*- Thinking to myself - *~don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor….

Neighbor: You know like top 40 or some oldies.

Kitty:  I have no idea what you mean when you say 40 or oldies.  I am in my 30’s.  I like punk, alternative and a little bit of everything, tonight I will play some Bouncing Souls and Milli Vanilli

to please the entire neighborhood.  Sound Good? 

Neighbor: Blank stare (seems like this lasted for 5 minutes)

Kitty: Want a martini?

Neighbor: Do you have gin or do you have vodka.   I do not drink gin.

Kitty: Psshhh.  Of course I have vodka.  And as far as gin is concerned….one night I went out with Nico – you don’t know her – and she and I were never the same again.  No Gin for this Lady (pointing to my own chest!)…

Neighbor: I will be over in 15 minutes. 

Moral of this story:

Don’t offer your neighbor a pair of gloves or anything you think that might help them.  They don’t need your help.  If they needed something they would ask.  All you are doing is opening up yourself to insult.  For example…music…I would have probably never had to talk about Milli Vanilli if I had just thrown those fucking gloves away when I had the chance!   What your neighbor does need is - A Vodka Martini!!

Had I just thought about the martini in the first place this long drawn out awkward conversation would have never taken place and we would have been drinking sooner!  Oh well.  This is the life of a Kitty who just cant keep it together the way she keeps it together in her head.  A big MEOW is all there i s left in these situations .... MEOW!