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I wrote out a timeline of events to discuss and remissness about. Then I wrote out three pages of what and whose and what-nots on some graph paper (it's somewhere lost in my trunk) and here I am! I will snap some photos of the pages later....I did give credit and much credit due to my good friend, Dennis. You may know him from Dennis Has A Podcast (DHAP), I text him about writer's block and he replied with asking me, what is it you have to say? From that moment I did pour a bit out on paper. And yet, I am not sharing that right now, but I will - maybe - soon.
I wasn't present for Kitty's Sarcasm like I have been in past years. I focused on ME. I made sure that I healed and protected my space and mind. Thank you to my Manalopes & Bitchachos who stuck around and understood (understand) that life has seasons and changes and I am in a new space. I like it. It's full of peace. I am still sarcastic as fuck and cuss like a sailor. Same me, just more focused on entertaining me rather than everyone around me. I love to entertain you all. I just learned that I needed to give some of that energy to me again.
This past year (2017) has been a total shit show! As I type this there are just a few minutes left of this damn year. It started out with a new POTUS. I wont go all political in my post here but let me say, that's right around the time I began to figuratively and mentally sit in fetal position.
I turned 39 this year and then shortly after ruptured a kidney. Spent a month on bed rest (you know making sure I stayed out of kidney failure and kept my OEM kidneys) taking morphine pills (who knew they had morphine pills!) and developing an online shopping addiction.
I returned to life after that and encountered a few antagonist type characters and the year basically was just one thing after another.
The year did end extremely well so there is that.
I guess I just am once again, at a loss for words to sum the year up. I am glad it's over. I am grateful for another fresh start. I'm ready.
I did have multiple life changing moments for good and for momentarily not so good this year. But as it's said, with the sweet comes the sour and I do love a good sour patch kid.
One impact full moment this year, was seeing Wonder Woman. There is a line (actually so many lines that are meaningful to me) that resonated to me so loudly. It's in this clip above.
It's about expecting a battle to be fair.
So here is to 2018 and some true happiness. Some comfort. Some hard work. Some joy. Some major delectable Martinis and Manhattans! Some giving. Some love. Some of what we all need!
Good Night 2017! I am praying that I can continue to make my own reproductive choices in the future and that women are finally shown the human decency of the same respect men are shown in 2018.
It's been a while since I've put some words on this thing. How does it just flow and then nothing at all? The words. Sometimes it's a waterfall. Sometimes it's the desert.
I am seriously at a loss for sarcasm when it come's to my country's current state. Between racism, Trump, the kkk, and figuring out if two spaces between sentences is now completely inaccurate...I am saddened deeply.
I saw the Weekend Update on SNL with Tina Fey this week. It was EVERYTHING! If I was going to try and make a point and share laughter, there is no topping the Sheet-Caking surprise of her visit to the show.
I want to ask each of you to stop the cycle. Spread love and peace. Do not engage the hate. Ignore these white hat wearing mother fuckers and work on rebuilding our country's strength. Prepare for the elections coming up next. Mobilize peacefully and be ready to sneak the fuck up on the Alt Right in 2018. You do not have to be a Republican to be an Alt Right fascist. You also aren't a fascist just because you're Republican. I have no hate in my heart for conservatives. I have sadness in my heart for the extremists. For those who think they are supreme. Didn't we learn anything from how it all played out with Diana and the Supremes?
And for those of you who are with the hate, the president, the racists, the kkk, the horrible cloud that makes our county look sad and no longer one of strength....unlike the Kitty's Sarcasm page, stop following this blog, and get yourself some therapy.
Take a look in the mirror.You were born into this world with nothing but peace inside you. Someone taught you to hate.This was never your original idea. Stop the cycle.
Okay...so first things first...I'm alive and so is my best girl...the Washington Bestie ditched us for racquetball. We had my birthday celebration yesterday. I'm alive. I'm currently in better shape than anyone would expect for a now 39 year old who basically drank for 12 hours and only had one hard taco and some chips n salsa for the entire day.
I did however have about five margaritas and numerous Malibu with pineapple juices, pineapple martinis galore and I think a few long island ice teas (nope the teas weren't mine but I kept drinking everyone else's). My car is probably being towed as you read this (oh I pray to the Bitchacho & Manalope Gods that it is not being impounded).
We had to leave my baby (my car -her name is Lilo for those who are new... ) at a bar about a half hour from my house. Then I called my bestie from Washington who met us at a karaoke bar with pictures of animals and antlers all over the place.
There was a super hot guy there but of course my friends love me and apparently hate me so every time he came up to me they pussy and cock blocked like the asshole lovelies they are. I'm lucky to have people who care if I'm a whore or not. That's good friendship.
Because I'm not and no need to start now....right?!??!!? BUT he was soooooo hot and of course was in the military. I do love a good uniform. I think I'm going back one day to see about that shit. He was hot hot hot...okay...so mind you this was about six to seven hours into drinking so...Yeeeeaaahhh...I'm NEVER going back to that place.
I just remembered they gave me a plastic cowboy hat and a sharpie to have people sign AND WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I used that sharpie to autograph all the Tabasco bottles and pint glasses I could find. I'm pretty sure I'm banned for life. I bet my picture is already up on the wall. I think we left there because my girl and I got cut off or the sharpie thing might of gotten us booted.
But no fear more friends showed up and drove us around in a big truck that I literally had to have help getting into and out of because...DUH.....my cute shoes!
There is more to this story. It will eventually all come to me. I will say the night ended with Ferris Buehler's Day Off. I think I got into bed at 5am. And now...here I am. I'm showered and my hair is up in a towel and...
OOOOOHH YEAH....open mic night!
It was open mic night somewhere. I think we were in the sticks somewhere to be honest- I have no clue where we were. I wish I couldn't feel my face today. Because it fucking hurts.
My friends wouldn't let me take someone's guitar and play. I am pretty sure I ordered a water with lemon at this point for me and told the waitress that the lemon had better be birthday material! Imagine Kitty and a whole lot of bad lip-syncing and even better air guitar!!
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE MEXICO.
WAIT....did I steal a menu from a Mexican restaurant? !?! Damn it. I did.
I wonder what this year will be like. I am just sitting here at home thinking about the future for fuck's sake. The Donald is about to tell us all that WE'RE FIRED! I can see it now!
His haystack atop his head, his face bright red, Itwinkie running around the scene trying to sell us all jewelry before we're canned, and his wife - what ever her name is - you know, our next first lady - the one the internet has nudes of all over the place...she's sitting there in a nice comfy chair trying figure what the hell a FLOTUS is and is it something she can snort?
Am I the only one here freaked out by this whole thing?
I mean if we all start buying crappy expensive jewelry due to subliminal messages being sent to us via Hulu & start booking long stays at the Trumptel 6 - seriously! If this happens!!! Canada! Yah you, Canada!
Canada - send in your Mounties and all you got to save us. We'll even say you told us so and let you say that you told us so! Save us from drowning in hotel stay debt and from disease spread to us by radioactive metal allergies (the fucking jewelry is gonna be the death of all of the vaginas holders!! seriously! this is how they will get us - they will taunt us with sparkly things that are pretty.).
Leave your polite shit at home. Better yet...send your hockey players and Zamboni drivers. Have them bring the Zambonis too! I've always wanted to drive one of those suckers! Someone call Alanis and tell her to send her people! But not Dave Coolio or whatever the fuck his name is. We don't need any more fuckin' guys here like Dave. Call her up the minute shit hits the fans. Literally! When you see shit and fans all at once, ring her up for me. Tell her Kitty said to call! She knows the plan!
I joke a lot. I make light of serious situations. Now that we've all had a nice laugh and joke...let's get serious. For more information on how to take part in protecting our women: Women March on Washington Women March on Seattle Find Your Sister March The Women’s March on Washington aims to send a message to all levels of government that we stand together in solidarity and we expect elected leaders to act to protect the rights of women, their families and their communities.
It's a new year. I remember thinking when I was younger that 2017 seemed so far away. This is the year I turn the dreaded 39 (I know, I know - it isn't old..it's just a realization is all). The Kitten is another year older and currently pretending like she cannot hear a damn word I am saying to her. The Cat decided she's going on a fucking hunger strike today refusing her food. I am delighted to see that 2017 has stepped up it's game already!
I am ready for you, 2017! The Kitten, The Cat, and me...we will make it out alive and are looking forward to your dodgy shenanigans as well as seeing 2018 and so on. I may look small but I got this! 💗💙💛💜💚 Smoochie, Kitty
PS: I don't care who was elected POTUS. We all know! Girls!!!
2016 is coming to an end...can you believe it...another year with Kitty's Sarcasm. Interestingly enough, it feels like yesterday we started this thing. And yet, at the same time, it feels like six million years ago.
I'm not sure where to start with 2016. Even years tend to be a real pill for me. I suppose being born on an even year sure set me up for that one.
I typically tell stories from my year and accompany the stories with songs that made the year bearable. I don't see why I should change that theme now.
I spent a lot of time with friends this year and I loved it. I missed a lot of friends as well. I even lost a friend this year. She's in another place most likely planning to haunt me any time now. I welcome that. I also spent time this year wondering why in the world I was wasting time with those who don't deserve my time. Luckily, I was able to move past those situations quickly.
I took a new job this year with the same company I have been at. It's been time consuming, difficult, and very rewarding. I have nothing sarcastic or snarky to say about it. Seriously. I am so glad I did.
Let's talk about the dates I went on this year. That's always a nice list. (For the faithful few who follow my NYE posts annually, you know how I love to list!!)
1. Gas Station Guy - Pig
He didn't seem like a pig at first. I was pumping gas (this is the third time that I can be certain of that I have been asked out at a gas station in my life - that seems like a lot. Why I don't see the red flag glaring at me is beyond me - next time for sure!) and he asked me if I wanted to go out sometime. We went out. He said about 10-15 minutes into it..."you look bigger than I remember you". That date never really started if you ask me. What a complete pig.
My advice to this guy for his future - go fuck yourself. I imagine you'll get good at that with being alone forever.
If you're not alone forever make sure you cook your own meals because one day the girl with the low self-esteme that you're with...she's gonna poison the shit outta ya buddy! #squeeeee
2. Liar Face Fat Mouth - Peter Pan Mofo
He was a lot of the things I wanted in someone. The problem was - we were never on the same page. One minute it was like we were dating and the next like we were pals who fuck. Honestly, it got weird, then it got okay, then it got weird, then it got over. I can say I am pissed at myself for this one. I should have said FUCK THIS SHIT the minute I realized he didn't give a shit. I did know this. I looked right past it. Because the minute I realized it - two minutes after that he started going on about the future and planning shit with me and...ahhh fuck that guy. He was fun for a minute. The sex wasnt half bad. He just loved himself so much he couldn't even begin to care for anyone else. I can't believe that I let myself get twisted up in his bullshit. I don't even recognize the broad I was when "hanging out" with this mother fucker. Because don't fucking call going on dates - "dating"!
Maybe he's met a super model now, moved out of his parent's house, and living in California like he planned.
AHAHAHAHA! NO HE ISN'T!
He was a super smart guy in a lot of ways. Had my favorite uncle's birthday, I thought this was going to be something down the road. It just ended up making me a mental case. I drank a lot during that time. I am so glad it's over.
He seriously missed out. I am a big deal, people know me. On a very serious note the whole thing sucks because even though he was shitty in that sense to me I did enjoy his friendship. I think that some men stick their dick in something it can immediately turn them into fucking lunatics who do not know how to act. If I could give him any advice for the future - for his future. Learn to fucking communicate, buddy. This whole thing could have been avoided had you communicated.
3. GI Joe - Oatmeal Guy
I met a guy in the military this year. He was smart, good looking, single, and into me. Single ended up being a word he didn't comprehend. Turns out he was engaged to someone else and had a baby on the way with someone else. That's right! He had at least two other someone else's. I found this out by date two thank you, Sweet Baby Jesus! He asked me to be part of his life. He wanted to have more than one wife. FOR REAL!! Can you see my face!?! Can you imagine my face in that moment?!?!?
I ran like my life depended on it.
So that sums up the dates, etc that I recall at this very moment of 2016. Shortly after this last guy, Donald Trump was elected President of the United States of America. Men literally let me down all of 2016! I will say this - NOT ALL MEN. I have a great group of men in my life from family, friends, Manalopes, etc. Just a shit ton bullshit from people with penises this year came my way is all I am saying. I am not hating. It just makes sense. The political climate that is. When I go back and read about these men I went on dates with and what happened. It's not a coincidence the lack of respect for women shown. <- Okay, Okay! I will stop this rant. But it's eerie isn't it!
NOW LET'S WATCH SOME CATS AND CALM THE FRICK DOWN:
The Kitten and I had a rough year
that was also lovely.
There is something to be said about how horribly fantastic it is being the mother of a teenage girl. I mean really.
I have vowed to conduct all of our arguments on our front porch in 2017.
That way the entire neighborhood can hold up cards rating the scene we cause.
I just really don't know what else to say. 2016 literally sucked the life right out of me.
As I type this - my head is congested, my throat feels like someone took a cheese grater to it, and my nose is raw! Who gets sick on the last few days of a year?? Oh, that's right! Me! And don't worry The Kitten is sick too.
So enjoy the last few hours of 2016 the best you can! We plan to stay hydrated on champagne (for me) and sparkling cider (for The Kitten) and lots of cold remedies. We will dance around the house at midnight, light sparklers, and bang pots n pans loudly to piss off our neighbors as usual! It will be a thing! We will be sick but we will have fun damn it! Fun!! Real fucking fun! And if the police come...well..then you'll know we did it right. We'll make sure to have bail money in our pockets and our running shoes on (you know just in case we think we can run without breathing).
LET 2017 BE A YEAR WE CAN ALL FIND STRENGTH, LOVE, PEACE, SUCCESS, AND CLARITY IN. AND PLEASE, GOD! PLEASE! MAKE SURE THERE IS NOT A VODKA OR CHAMPAGNE SHORTAGE! WE'RE ALL GONNA NEED THAT SHIT!!
As the year ends...I think to myself in my favorite fake British accent... What the fuck was 2016 Thinking?
We lost a beloved Bitchacho, Steph Lannoo. Just this last week we lost Carrie Fisher and George Michael. There are countless others gone. I am saddened by this all. It's like they just couldn't fathom living in a world with Dumpy in 2017. I mean Donald Trump. I think they woulda liked that joke as morbid as it seems. Maybe not. I didn't talk politics with Steph ever. But we did talk about our kids, life, work, the world and people. She was a warm heart and from what I knew of her and from the Christmas card she sent me in 2015...she was giving. Very giving and loving.
The year's Kitty's Sarcasm End Of The Year Blog post is dedicated to Stephanie Lannoo and the countless others who lost life in 2016. Stay tuned on NYE for the post to pop up and dazzle your frazzle or at least keep you entertained from insanity?
I am going to pour some champagne and a shot of vodka to get through this year...maybe more.
