Liar Face Fat Mouth

I met a woman that I really like.  We are getting serious.  I have a criminal background from 15 years ago.  I am afraid if I tell her she will stop seeing me.  My buddy tells me the past is the past and leave it there.  My sister tells me to be upfront.  I really like this woman.  What should I do?

Mr. Demeanor

Dear Mr. Demeanor –

What the fuck is wrong with you?  Either you are a complete asshat and are trying to piss me off or you don’t really read my page.  Being that I am ending a relationship due to the fact that my ex was a compulsive liar ~~~ I am going to go with, Tell The Truth.  You have already lied by withholding the truth.  Tell her now and pray she forgives your sorry ass. Fuck, I really would like to punch you in the face for thinking that hiding information is appropriate adult behavior.  This is a major detail she deserves to know.

Kitty

Dear Mr. Demeanor –

It’s a 50-50 chance here.  You are fucked either way.

Norm

Dear Mr. Demeanor –

Tell her now.  If you wait and tell her later she will be so pissed off and it will completely destroy your relationship.

Beulah

Online hussy

Dear Kitty -

I have been single for about 5 years now.  I have been using an online dating service.  I have been on several  dates.  Mostly turning into dinner or some activity and then sex.  I know that I shouldnt be having so much sex.  It just goes so well and then I have needs you know.   I have never acted this way.  I am almost 40 years old now.  I have spoken to my best friend and she thinks I am being stupid.  How am I supposed to know if they guy is truly interested?

New Hussie

Dear Whore -

I have no idea what you are trying to truly get from me.  I will go with my gut on this and assume you are wanting validation to sleep around.  Guess what, that is your choice.  If you are almost 40 years old and do not have it figured out, I have no idea how to help you.  Here are my words of wisdom:

~*If you act like a whore, you are treated like a whore.*~

~*If you give away the Cat, there is no reason for anyone to come back and visit your Cat.*~

~*Do Not Expect to be treated with respect if you do not treat yourself with respect.*~

That about covers it.  I hope you are using protection and for LIFE's sake do not have kids.  Do what you want, but don't complain when they never call you back.  Stop being desperate.  Get a Fuck buddy and only sleep with them.  You can date then and see who is out there.  IDK what to tell you, I wish you would stop complaining...because that is all your email sounds like.

Kitty

Scared Stupid

Kitty -

I have been unemployed for almost 2 years.  My husband is going to leave me if I don't get back to work by Fall.  I am devastated.  I have been looking for work but also have been keeping our home.  I am over qualified for most jobs I apply for I am told.  How can I get my husband to chill out and just stay?

Scared

Dear Scared -

You are an idiot.  Be a part of your life.  Keeping your house clean is not a full time job.  If you have 4 2 year olds at home then that is a different story.  Go get a fucking job.  Subway, Grocery Store, Janitor, Office Admin...the list goes on.  Dumb down your resume and put your pride aside.  I am going to guess however by your letter...
You don't want to work.  I bet you are just being lazy.  I am guessing that if I met your husband I would find he has lost respect for you.
Get your shit together get a job.  If you dont like what you get you can still keep looking but at least get to work.
With all the people in the world trying to get work, any kind.... And you are using over qualified as an excuse for 2 years on your ass.

Frankly, you piss me off.  Please unlike the page.  I seriously do not think I will able to see you there while you act like this.

Kitty

D Bag Police

Dear Kitty -

I read your stuff on twitter.  I love it.  I too am a fan of wrestling.  I saw that Domino follows you!!!  That is so cool.  Do you know him personally?
I am in my 20's.  My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year now.  I think he could be the ONE.  Problem is his best friend.  He is a total D-Bag.  Constantly sabotaging our time together and crashing our dates.  I just cant stand the guy.  I am afraid to voice it too much, I don't want to lose my man.  Advice on how to handle this with out losing my boyfriend?

I need the D-Bag Police

Dear DBP -

If you arent in with the friend - Well, if the guy is a typical, you will lose.  There are plenty of women out there for him - he has one maybe two best friends.  Figure out how to get past it.  Are you attracted to the friend?  Probably the problem.  Get over it.

Kitty

Friendship Issues

Dear Kittie -

I have a friend who is being abused mentally, emotionally and physically.  I have asked her to to come stay with me, to move, to leave her husband.  Just when I think she is actually leaving she makes an excuse to stay.  I dont know what to do to help her.

Friend

Dear Friend -

You cannot make anyone do anything.  It is hard to watch someone you love, even a stranger be abused.  You have said you piece I assume for your letter.  Let your friend go.  You will get caught up in her mess (probably already are) and the abuse will trickle down for you.  Sometimes it's better to walk away for yourself.  There have been times in my life where people have walked away for a while from me while I went through chaos.  There have been times I have walked away from others.  Battered Woman Syndrome is a horrible thing.  You cant fix her.  She has to find the strength within herself to do it because she wants to.  Otherwise she will continue to go back and be around the abuse.  I am not a PHD.  All I know is that there is nothing you can do until she is ready to make a choice to get away from the asshole.

Kitty

Tipsy Intentions

Dear Kitty -

Just spent yesterday celebrating one yr of sobriety.  I am very happy.  I think I am ready to have a drink on a social occasion.  My girlfriends asked me to go out with them this weekend.  I have done so well.  I really want to.  My sponsor told me that need to stay away.  I know you post about drinking etc, but wasn't sure if you actually drank or have battled with alcohol.  I need an outsiders perspective.

Sallee

Dear Sallee -

GO TO A FUCKING MEETING.  Your Friends ARE LOSERS.  Taking even a sip will end your life.  Stop trying to get permission.  FUCK OFF and Stay Sober if you want a normal life.  Or be an idiot and throw away a year of progress and moving forward.

You Are a FUCKING Idiot.

Kitty

Cricket Sounds All Around

Could it be true that the fan faithful was bluffin with their muffins?

From A SEA of EMAILS to NOTHING!

The fans asked for an ADVICE COLUMN or a place to WRITE TO and we made it happen. Stop being shy, and get to writing!!!

Some people develop a wishbone where their back bone should be.
- Anonymous



This week there were no new entries for Kitty's Column. Tune in next week for advice posts.

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OR

send emails direct to Kitty's gmail -> kittyssarcasm@gmail.com

lame in the sack

Kitty -

How do I get my boyfriend to try new things sexually?  He likes to have sex one way and that way only.

Bored

Dear Board -

I was married to a guy like this.  All you can do is ask, communicate, and see if he is responsive.  Maybe he isnt comfortable with the things you want him to do.  I mean asking to hog tie him and stuff and apple in his mouth while tickling him with a feather might seem legit to you...but to him...he may not want to.  Either you love him enough to work through it or dont.  If he isnt willing to hear you out...I will jump out on a limb and say leave him.  I dont have enough information.  Write me back with more details.

1). Have you talked about this with him in depth, how did it go?
2). What is it you want from him?
3). How long have you been together?
4). Is he Gay?

Kitty