Reality Bites: 2013 Over & Out

We've all seen the movie.  We all remember, Squeeze singing Tempted.   "I said to my reflection, let's get out of this place".  The song is about one thing and this past year is not about fruit.  

Unless we are referring to me as fruit and since there is no "we" writing this...let's not call me fruit.  I will go in and out of first, second, third, and most likely fifth person during this blog journey...TRUST me, it's a gift.  If you do not listen to one video or read this entire blog...do me one favor and make sure you listen to the last video from start to finish.  It's time.

I have been stuck on the line, "I said to my reflection, let's get out of this place".  TRUTH is, it's a direct reference or reflection (no pun intended) of the past year.




The Movie, Reality Bites has a sound track that parallels the heights, the valleys, and the pure shoulder bearing burden of feeling and lack there of for the year of 2013.  Crazy, because the movie came out when I was 16 years old, almost 20 years ago.  Woah!

That in it's own realization is mind blowing.  Wow, this era or time or what ever I am supposed to call it...is a reoccurring soundtrack in a 20 year track.  That makes no fucking sense on paper but in my head it definitely does.  

Keep up!  Follow me here.  It's important.

Fast forward to now, December 2013...




Lost the battle, win  the war....bringing my sinking ship back to the shore...starting over...

Just like the lyrics...if there's a future...I WANT IT!

I am trying so hard to not make this a cryptic post.  I just have so much to say and not enough words sometimes.  

Maybe it's I CARE too much? Crazy, probably why I ramble on nonsense most of the time.

There's a time and place to die...this aint it.

I feel like this is all over the place as I ponder it all.  This is the real, the raw, the off the cuff and straight outta brain to press.  Something tells me I wont win a prize but maybe I will learn something and in turn teach?  Hmmm.... Teaching?  I used to be great at that.  This year, the year of 2013, has really sucked the ever living life out of me.  I mean really made me realize now that I look back at it...that I lost the whole year, doing nothing in my own presence or the presence of those I love that meant a thing.  I instead, embarked on someone else's journey and lost it in the mix of things.  

It goes back to that song by that lady...what's 
her face, "Fuck Was I".



I mean really!  What the fuck was I thinking?

Long story short, I lost a year and I cant get it back.  I wasn't present, as in the presence.  Follow me?

Basically, I spent a year fearing my own demise and in turn started the demise of me.  I mean, I am Kitty! The Fearless. The Bitch Down The Street!  I AM BRAVE. 

The Sara Bareilles song, Brave... I am almost certain was written for me.  The video itself pretty much proves my point.  Words and Choreography...yup...it's basically dedicated to me.  DUH!



Okay now that I have gone on and on and gone absolutely no where....here we go...yes, we're going like a mutha fuckin' train to Chicago with no breaks and just some good tunes and story.  

Grab your popcorn, Bitchachos and Manalopes...here is the year in review of the few things I may have learned or relearned....I of course plan to bullet point this bitch (I will number it and stick to what I am good at!)...it's what I do. 

Each number will have a song because I feel dancy as usual!
Crazy.  DO NOT LET ME FORGET TO TALK ABOUT RESOLUTION FOR 2014!! I mean I mentioned needing to be present.  I am sure I will again!

Did I mention I am COMMITTED to never letting such a thing happen again?  
As in I will be present.




Oh kaaayyy..so year in review...it's gonna be randomness as per usual...ready set now!

1. First thing is first, 2013 brought me a new Pearl Jam album.  The song and title of the album, Lightening Bolt pretty much complete me.  I am in love and thankful to PJ for the album.  Gladly, I will give #1 to that cool thing and this song.  Not really part of the theme but what the fuck ever!  It's PJ and Eddie Vedder we are talking about!



2. I am not going to lose another year not living my dream or working towards it!  Time to pull my head outta the sand and start humpin' my to happiness....and when I say humpin'....you do know I mean workin', right?  Not literally humpin' gents and gals to get somewhere...that shit aint right.  Hump cause you wanna, not cause you think you need to!



3.  Vodka is not the cure to everything but it sure does make all of everything seem better!



4.  MO MONEY MO PROBLEMS - LESS MONEY MO PROBLEMS - Either way we're all fucked in some way or another, we might as well enjoy ourselves the best we can!  FUN IS NECESSARY!  Might as well have the MO MONEY!



5.  No matter how long you go without sex or a relationship, sex and relationships with the wrong person is still with the wrong person.  So dont give that lil cuppy-cake away to just anyone!



6.  Even a close ally can turn on you and take a machete to your back.  So many bitches trippin' there aint no were to walk!!  It def felt like Gap-ish.

7.  Sometimes you can spend so much time looking in one direction that you miss every other angle.  Imma bout to put on the specs and look all up in here, everywhere!  I am ready.  I see you!!  Do you see me?  I am ready to see what I smell and smell what I see...it's like suntan lotion meets champagne.  It's all yummy if you open your eyes.  Life.

8.  Lastly, and more of a recap.  I learned this year...and mind you...this is all in retrospect...I was an idiot this year!  I mean a real freaking idiot.  I didnt smell, touch, feel, or see this year.  I wasn't present.  Gonna show up in 2014.  My presence will be felt and it will be magical like a vodka martini being served by pandas in park full of rainbows and unicorns with the sky full of pink sparkles....yup!  It's gonna happen!



I guess this is cryptic and much lacking humor and Kitty Sarcasm style and splendor...I think this year just sucked the life outta your dear Kitty S.   My true resolution is to be present as I mentioned above.  It means a lot of things.  Mainly, it means you will feel my presence.  For those that don't this year it will be purposely. Ready for the ride 2014 brings.

Obviously, I need more vodka cause this blogs sucks some serious old man balls!

Get me the fuck outta 2013, I cant even write anymore in this hell hole!

Cheers! 

Lost Track of it all in 2013

Shocker, I lost track of blogging and...yah...another something not finished.  There will be another year end blog for December 31, 2013.  I am not sure what it will say....I better start recapping shit on note cards!!

XOXO

Enjoy the posts to our Facebook page of the the best of posts in the mean time!

Kitty’s Random Man-alope Adventures thus far of 2013: The Bad Idea ....TBC

 Installment # 3 of, Kitty’s Random Man-alope Adventures thus far of 2013.  It was so craptastic, that I wonder if y I should even blog about it.  It served a purpose of epic proportions and at the same time ended up being more of a headache than any Bitchacho wants to deal with...even as I type...I wonder...what more do I say?  

Do I share the story?  What would it do?  

Do I admit to this adventure with a dude 
I wouldn't even go out in public with
because...well...I will tell you this...it's not cause 
he doesn't look right.


It's cause he isn't smart and when he talks it's like Flavor Flav meets Carlton from Fresh Prince who meets Vanilla Ice 20 years ago..  I mean really.  So.... still thinking about this....  

I will have to think on it more and get back to you.

Kitty’s Random Man-alope Adventures thus far of 2013: Old News

So Old News is exactly that.  He is someone from the past I let all back up in my head this year for about minute, depending on how you actually calculate time.  Regardless…it was quick and nothing came of it.  As soon as he figured out he wasn’t getting Kitty’s Kitty…he left.  He’s dating a broad now that basically makes me look like Miss America…so yah…now that I realize he didn’t down grade…I was the upgrade…lesson learned…Old News is just that…OLD!  Aint no time for an Old Man!  Besides…he’s a scrub beyond scrub. Wouldn’t know what I needed if I told him.  It's not about money...it's about motivation.  Be motivated Manalopes!! 

Okay, we got three lame ones out there….wait until next week!  Good stuff!

Kitty’s Random Man-alope Adventures thus far of 2013: Military Ken

And for another installment of..... Kitty’s Random Man-alope Adventures thus far of 2013.

Are you ready to hear about Military Ken?   Okay, so just so that we are clear…he wasn’t a Barbie, but by the end of it, he sure was acting like a lil Barbie Doll Bitch…again not to be confused with a Bitchacho!

So I met the lovely MK last Spring.  Smokin’ hot, smart and just overall seemed cool.  I was honest I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  He said no problem.  We hung as friends for a while, then something flipped in his head like a switch to a flame thrower or possibly flipping the switch to an electric chair.  It went from cool to weird fast.  He offered up a nice ultimatum by late Spring.  “Kitty, shape up or ship out!” <- okay, he didn’t say that, but he did say the following…

”Either start acting like a girlfriend and pay attention to me or I am gone.”  OKAY! So you see my dilemma when in my head I am thinking, why would I act like a girlfriend when I am not a girlfriend?!?!?! 

It’s typical with me.  I say, I have no time, I have nothing to give, I do not want a relationship, but we can be friends….but trust this…if Military Ken had my undivided attention he woulda known it.  I would have been available when he needed me to be the best I could.  Reality is… as hot as he was… he didn’t stimulate my brain.  Cant we just smile, laugh, have fun and let things naturally progress?? Sweet Nectar of Bullshit!!!!

He didn't

make me laugh.  That’s super important.  I mean come on…I laugh at Ecards and posts about unicorn poop!  It’s not frickin hard to entertain me.

So there is another story for the Books of 2013 and dating with Kitty.  I left that lil fiasco with more feelings for my vibrator than his perfectly placed face. 

I shoulda known when dude didn’t have a tattoo on his body he was wrong for me! Lol

He decided when it was said and done…because I said it and it was done….I mean he gave me the ultimatum…

I said, sounds like you made up your mind that you were gonna change me rather than just ask me if my feelings or thoughts, desires have changed…so bugger the fuck off with thinking you will sucker me into a relationship with that bullshit.

He took to my facebook wall where my Mama could see and tore me up ever so 13 year old girl like…it was precious. 

Note to self:  That was totally not worth it, but what evs.  I need vodka and Mexican stat!

*~*~Smoochie~*~*

PS: I aint spell or grammar checkin' this bitch..so get over it! xo

V doesn't stand for Vigorous

I have to say that Kitty is in some sort of turmoil.  I mean let’s just start this blog with a, What The Fuck Is Going On Here!

This year has brought lots of changes.  Lots of changes were left in last year as well.  I posted on the page yesterday in a hypothetical way that I may or may not have been called The Devil this past week.  Well truth be told, it’s the truth.

Who, me?  The Devil?  You’re kidding me, right?  Do you know me? <- Pretty much my response (albeit in my head…but once I get that telepathy thing working, I am sure it will all work out).

Kitty started dating again this year.  And while it has killed me not blog about it, it really is something that I have tried to keep private.  Today I break the silence and have some stories to tell.  Are you ready?

For the next month there will be posts each week.  I have dated four guys this year, so it works out for an October theme! Haha!  Kitty’s Random Man-alope Adventures thus far of 2013.

All I can tell you now is the end of the story.  I am left with a, WHAT NOW question mark on my forehead.  With that said… I will tell about the #5 guy who I rationalize as not dating because nothing happened I left knowing him with more stale confusion than I had thought possible. 

Are you ready?  We will call him V.  

I met a man this year, younger, attractive in an oddly brilliant beyond his age and bizarre way.  Long story short, he was a virgin and wanted yours truly to take him flower and pluck each petal from it.  Obviously, I was shocked and had to high tale it out of that situation quickly.  Kitty is not about training, teaching or molding men.  If I have learned anything in the past 30+ years it’s that Kitty is not good at it and most importantly, Kitty aint got no time for that!   Needless to say, I still have a puppy dog following me around and I am pretty damn close to calling the pound.

While the above tale is true and the names have been changed to protect the innocent, it is pretty damn boring.  So where do we go now?? Haha  Up, I tell ya! Up! Right fuckin up in the sky and each week in October you will hear some good shit.  Some shit that while I was in it, I may not have seen the humor, but now…oh yah…now I see it.

So here come the posts.  Advice Wednesday will be on hiatus until some of you Manalopes and Bitchachos come up with something again.  A full year of Advice posts either on the blog or on the page's wall and you all must either be cured or are tired of hearing me answer your requests for advice with, What the fuck are you thinking. haha

Smoochie!

ADVICE WEDNESDAY JULY 31 2013

                                                      Dear Kitty,

 I cannot get my boyfriend to clean up after himself.  He is 

always complaining he is tired after work and then states on the

weekends is his time to rest.  I work 45 plus hours a week and 

he works the same.  Why must I work just as hard and clean       and cook?

Tired Betty Crocker

Dear Betty Crocker,

First of all don't marry the guy thinking it will change and lastly,either deal with it or trade in the lazy s.o.b. for a newer model that is willing to carry half the load of the relationship.  Maybe give him a sneak peak or peek (if you get my drift) of what life will be like with or without him participating.

That is all I got!  Don't be a sucker!  Weigh your options, pros and cons, and get to a plan - what ever that may be.

Good Luck,

                           Kitty

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Kitty, 

Your not as funny as you think. A few fans an you think you are famous or something. Your head has gottin a bit big for your pantys. Get with reality and realise you are just the same nobody as everyone else. 

Douche Hat

(*~*They didn't give me a sign off name, so I dub the, Douche Hat*~* - Kitty)

Dear Douche Hat,

Take your medicine and while you're at it, take some 

grammar classes.

Love,

Kitty

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Kitty’s Sarcasm,

I have a co worker who is extremely insensitive to others. She is always eating everyone’s food in the community kitchen, asking for things to be picked up for her when someone goes out and then never paying anyone back. At this point I have stopped

picking up things for her and have written my name on all of my food. She really is just an asshole. How do I say in a polite and kind way that gets the point across that she needs to buy her own fucking shit?
Fed Up At Work

Dear FUAW,

There is no way to say it nicely.  Just say, "NO" when 

asked for favors and when you catch her red handed, 

call her out on it.  Eventually she will either stop or 

you will have to start putting hot peppers in your

or may I suggest pot brownies.  :)

I once had a co-worker that I offered to share some

things with for lunch one day and they took it as 

green light for eating all and what ever was mine 

anytime.  Pissed me off.  They also had an issue with

cleaning up after them self.  How did I over come 

that issue?  Well, I called them out.  I called them out

publicly and they never did it again.

Good Luck,

Kitty

__________________________________

TO SUM UP THIS WEEK'S ADVICE WEDNESDAY

EMAILS:

YOU ALL NEED TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIVES 

AND IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE 

BETWEEN YOUR AND YOU'RE YOU NEED TO 

GET SOME HELP AT THE LOCAL COMMUNITY 

COLLEGE!  HERE IS A SONG TO SET YOU ALL 

OFF IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION FOR THE REST

OF THE WEEK!  YOU'RE WELCOME.

Kitty and the Killer Goose

I am working from home today.  The Kitten is sick.  Not the ideal situation due to the weather, my office has air conditioning and my house does not.  Boo!  Anywhooo...this morning it was much cooler out on the porch so I grabbed my Monster Rehab (a new fave: Tea and Lemonade with Energy), my laptop and some paperwork to start my day of work.  Seems like a nice lil morning, right?  Yah...nooo!  As a lot of you know I live on a lake.  In the early mornings my backyard is loaded with geese, ducks, birds of all sorts, squirrels and what ever other critter decides to come out for a stroll and breakfast.  Usually, I am inside getting ready for the day or on my way into the office.  Soooo....as I am sitting doing a little data entry and returning emails (oh I was on a confrence call as well)...a goose decides to leave the gaggle...wait...what is a group of geese called???  Shit, I cant remember...Anyways...a goose decides to get all "ballsy" and come at me looking for food I thought at first.  So I moved quickly to try and shooo it away.  That didnt work.  It got with in a few feet of me so I grabbed the watering pitcher that was next my lawn chair and threw water at it to scare it.  Duh!  Geese like water.  It stood there, stared at me like, "What the fuck is your problem lady" and started to walk closer to me.  Once it was with my reach I decided to retreat.  It is now standing on my deck and mean mugging me like a mother fucker.  What an asshole.  I just want to have my day go smoothly!  Good thing my conference call was on mute or the other managers in the company would have heard some serious shit from me...If a goose comes at you and you fight back is it animal cruelty?  I dont want hurt it but it's fight or flight.  So far...I am choosing flight.  The Mothership said to ask Darth Father for a 2x4 next time I visit.  With my luck a neighbor would report me and I would end up having to work from jail.  I wonder if jail has wi-fi?

Aint No Time

Dear Kitty
What would you do to meet someone to start getting out and dating to find a future partner?
Sere




Dear Sere,

I aint got time for that shit! You shouldn't either! Live your life, have fun, raise some hell and it will knock on your door (don't answer if it's the backdoor) when the time is right.
BTW, what the hell is SERE? Is that your name? How do I say it?

Kitty

PS:  The below video will help you more than online dating!  Promise!

PSYCHO

Dear Kitty's Sarcasm,

Please do not use my name.  I have friends on here that are fans and would be mortified if they knew it was me that was writing this.  Can you just copy and paste my email that is highlighted in yellow?

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me.  I put laxative in his coffee this morning. He spent the day home in the bathroom.  I wanted him stay home to talk to him but my plan back fired.  He is asleep now, so I took it as a sign to ask for advice.  How do I confront him?  What should I say?  If he gets mad and breaks  up with me I am not sure what I will do.  I live with him in his house.  Help if you can.

Me

Dear Me,

Ok, I am tripping out a bit feeling like I am writing myself a letter here so bare with me. As for your copy and  paste request, no problem.  Now to your letter!  I hope to God that you are joking about poisoning the man you speak of!!  I mean seriously?  You had to have made that shit up?  You couldn't be that fucking crazy could you?

I have no advice to you other than pack your shit and move out before he wises up and presses charges against you for what you did and for being fucking nuts.

I am honestly so pissed right now at the thought that you probably did do this that I am going to leave this reply at this.

Get some mental health help asap!!


Kitty

Weddings, Drug Smugglers & Advice

Kitty,

My sister and I are in an argument over the man I am engaged to.  I asked her to be my maid of honor and she said yes.  Now 6 months later and a month into planning the wedding she told me over the weekend that she refuses to attend my wedding at all.  She hates my fiance.  I have no idea what to do.  My whole family will be upset.  Advice?

Sad Sister

Dear Sad Sister,

Once again I receive a letter with little information.  How can I help you if you do not give me the reason she is refusing?????

I will go with the assumption that her reason is that he is a MDS (Mexican Drug Smuggler).  I think your sister might be right here.  Your safety is important.  Seems to me he is being a lil stingy on sharing the goods with the family, no wonder they will all be upset!  I bet they are already upset!  I suggest you find a way to get him to turn his selfishness into selflessness.  Either he coughs up some goods to make up for your safety issues or he moves the fuck along and finds a crack whore to settle down with.

Oh and by the way, if you are close with your sister you should consider the fact that she is probably right!


That is all.

Love,

Kitty

Double Standards

DEAR KITTY

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST AGE TO LET MY SON DATE?  MY HUSBAND AND I DO NOT AGREE.  I ALWAYS THOUGHT 16 IS A GOOD AGE AND DEPENDING ON GRADES AND BEHAVIOR AND RESPONSIBILITY.  MY HUSBAND SAYS THAT 14 IS FINE FOR BOYS AND 16-18 FOR GIRLS.  THE PROBLEM I HAVE IS THAT I HAVE A DAUGHTER TWO YEARS YOUNGER AND THINK IT NEEDS TO BE THE SAME RULES AND GUIDELINES.  MY SON IS 14 AND A FEW MONTHS OLD.  I THINK ITS JUST TOO MUCH FOR THAT AGE.  WHAT MESSAGE DOES THIS SEND MY 12 YEAR OLD?

DEANA

Dear Deana,

I think it's a personal choice with parents.  I think the longer the wait the better and at the same time that if you make the kids wait too long, they will never learn to bring the boys or girls home to meet you etc in the future.  The rules for boys and girls have been off for as long as I can remember.  I guess girls should just be glad that they will one day be able to vote,work and take care of most things at home.  Lucky them.  Oh and we get to grow the babies and deliver them too.  I grew up where the rules were not the same.  I can tell you that in my experience it is a bad idea.  Although, again like I said, it's a personal choice.  Who the fuck am I to tell you how to raise your kids.  I think that the root is more about you and your husband rather than what is best age wise to date.  The fact that you have had these kids for over 12 years and are not on the same page about this makes me wonder why this was never discussed.   Kids will find ways to do what they want.  As they hit puberty it's best to be fair and consistent   There is no handbook.  I really would enjoy telling you what I think about it all but that isn't fair.  When the Manalopes and Bitchachos write in about parenting or asking for parenting advice I immediately go back and forth with myself as to whether to even give replying a go.  I would not want anyone to tell me how to parent the Kitten.  I know you are asking for the advice soooo...here is the best I have.

Talk to your husband and get on the same page.  The kids seeing you standing on two islands vs united is going to cause you both way more problems than just what age they should date.

This is fundamental shit.  Get this locked down ASAP.  Is a double standard what you want to teach your kids?  The rules only apply to some people?

That is all I got.  Maybe the other Manalopes and Bitchachos who have kids of dating age or in their teens can pipe in and share some stories with you.  I do not have a teen.

If it were me I would have a martini, go to bed and then tomorrow find some time to talk to your hub about this.  You guys need to agree, compromise and stick to a plan or the kids will run you both like cheap hookers until you are so used up and broken that you will let them do what ever and when ever.  It wont be pretty.

Kitty

Breaking the Fake Twinkie Law

Ummm yaaahhhhhh....this is not a fuckin twinkie. 

Dreamie? Really? 

Saw this today while grocery shopping...almost got ran out of the store for taking a photo..really? Then the lady who worked there was all like smart & shit....

The conversation that actually took place!
-------------------------------------------------
~*~*~I need to sharpen my skills in retro thought, I am ashamed I was soooooo off my game this morning!!!~*~*~
-------------------------------------------------
Clerk: Ma'am you cannot take photos of items you have not purchased.

Kitty: Really? I just need to send this pic to my mom to see if she wants any.

Clerk: You could call her.

Kitty: Are you kidding me?

Clerk: No, ma’am it’s policy, not photos.

Kitty: But what if she was deaf and blind?

Clerk: Well, if she was blind she wouldn't see the picture.

Kitty: Ok, ok..you got a point.

And then I took the pic again just to be pissy. What was she gonna do, kick me out, I had a cart full of groceries and was heading towards check out….

Breakin the law, breakin the law! haha

Single and Old?

I am a 40 year old single mom.  I have started dating again after 10 years.  I have no idea what I am doing.  I need advice. Single and Old

Dear Single and Old -

I have no idea why you think you are old, but that my dear is what is holding you back.  If you think you are old you are.  I am more worried about your self image than the fact that no one is wining and dining you.  

~*~Kitty~*~

Stupid Girl

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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Kristen ITC'; font-size: 10pt;"><b>Kitty - I have a secret that is making me nuts.&nbsp; I am bisexual.&nbsp; I have to hide it from my parents, my friends and co-workers.&nbsp; I feel trapped and alone.&nbsp; – Rita</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: 'Tempus Sans ITC';">Rita, you are the only one with an issue here.&nbsp; Why do you care what others think about you?&nbsp; Your friends and coworkers suck and you should move towns if this is what is truly happening.&nbsp; My guess is you are still in the closet and blaming the world out of fear.&nbsp; Get a life and live it.&nbsp; Stop whining about and get it together.&nbsp; Fuck, you piss me off.&nbsp; I have no idea what the fuck your deal is…..Why do you think the world cares what you are not telling them.&nbsp; If I was a betting woman, I would bet that everyone already knows.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ~*~Kitty~*~<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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