It's Not Advice Wednesday!

It's Advice Wednesday...

I don't have a lot advice but I do have some story to talk about the past 24/36 hours ...ready?

Picture this...imagine you're with me...

It's a typical Monday.  I went to work..blah blah blah.  I had to leave about an hour early to take The Kitten to the dentist.  We have been going to our dentist since The Kitten was about three or four, FOREVER.  Our dentist is amazing.  She's kind, gentle, and tells it like it is.  I like that about her.

She doesn't throw out the occasional f~bomb like I'd prefer, but she's gotten the job done (even an emergency root canal one Thanksgiving night ~ Apparently, I will do anything to avoid the in-laws)!  Her lobby is typically boring.  There are pictures on the wall that haven't changed.  They are very "officey".  There is one picture of what looks like Venice (I haven't been to Venice so ...I am making an non-educated guess here...It's Venice to me, dammit!), I used to enjoy staring at it...now it just is boring...

Wait, I had a story here didn't I?!?!  Oh yes...
The lobby is always quiet with some Celine Dion or Amy Grant playing over head.  Sometimes we are the only ones in there.  Sometimes someone is coming or going.  Never any big deal.  Well Monday was different.  We walked in and there was a young woman sitting down - no big deal.  We checked in and sat down.  Next thing we know in walks in the biggest butt crack I've seen in ages.  I am not kidding!  Dude walks in with four inches of butt crack hanging out.  I swear it whispered to us, "I am here and I aint coverin' up for no one!".  In a moment of trying to protect The Kitten's eyes and save her from the horror, I said to her, "DONT LOOK!".  So what does she do?  She looks.  I then pulled out my phone and text her.  Apparently, I have failed as a parent because she never got the memo that if you're sitting right next to someone and they text you...you do not read their text out-loud to them for clarification.
"Mom, what does 'Someone didn't get the memo that the crack of dawn has already passed!' mean?  Is that a typo?"
I sank down in my chair and went with it.  While this took place dude was taken back to an exam room showing his large crack loud and proud again.

The Kitten was then called back.  I sat there thinking to myself....finally, I can sit and detox the day and think about clever posts for Kitty's Sarcasm next week...productive shit, right!?!
Out of no where I hear "OHHH!  NO! AHHHH, OOHHH, LORD HELP ME!". It came from the exam rooms area.  It wasn't The Kitten.  I got up and asked the front desk person what was going on.  I was told someone had been there for about an hour and was having anxiety and freaking out.  Then rushes in police and the fire department.  What in the world is going on here!  I start hearing banging and loud noises.  The lady is apparently losing her mind and throwing shit because she cannot have more gas.  GIVE THAT WOMAN MORE GAS!!  Maybe she will calm the fuck down!!  Then in comes the paramedics...long story short that was one expensive tooth cleaning or what ever for that gal and The Kitten doesn't have any cavities.

You would think that might be enough excitement for one night...nope...we got home around 6pm and by 7pm I was puking.  I thought maybe it was just from stress.  I  have been putting a lot of pressure on myself at work to be successful and maybe I needed to just shift that gear down for the night...nope...puked on and off until 2 am Tuesday morning and then came the explosive diarrhea at 6am...



By noon I started to feel human was able to eat, keep it down and stay off the porcelain thrown for the most part. By 4 pm the stomach issues came back and...ugh...I wont bore you with the shitty details....

And now let's back up to 7:30 am on Tuesday...The Kitten was headed to school when I get a call that she got a bloody nose and was covered in blood. I had to get myself together to rescue her!! My baby!! She cannot wear her PE clothes all day...that would be social destruction for her!!
But should I leave the house really?
I mean seriously...puke, shit, bloody nose...What The Fuck is going on here UNIVERSE!!!! Needless to say, The Kitten made it home to change and to school and I did not puke or shit on myself making this happen for her...so Tuesday was a productive day too if you measure it by those standards.
I will say that after all the time I have spent in the down stairs bathroom, I have decided to redecorate it.  I am thinking a jungle theme.  Sounds fun! Or maybe a full on Star Wars theme.  It's still tinkering in my head for now.

So here we are!  It's The Crack of Dawn (When Crack Is Okay!) on Wednesday!  I have no advice today to share for Advice Wednesday.  Okay, that's a lie.  I have some!  I am gonna go make Camel Day my bitch (just as soon as I get this literal shit show under control!!)...you should too!

BE YOU!  ROCK YOU!  ENJOY LIFE! DRINK VODKA!