Paper or Plastic

Dear Kitty,

It is apparent that who you are on this page versus who you are in real person would be two completely different people.  Can you explain that to us all?

Skeptical Bitchacho


Dear SOB, I mean, SB...

The above video is what I imagine you think my life is like...below is more like it....get a life.  What happened to good emails from everyone...lately it has been nothing but bashing Kitty's Sarcasm.   Yet the numbers keep growing....I do not get it.  I will pray for you to get a serious rash that makes you rethink your worries and convictions.

Kitty

Double-EWE -Tee-Effff

Have you ever had a life altering event take place that caused you to have to be on tons of steroids, pain pills and drugs -

while on these fabulous medications sat and thought about all the things that have happened in your life - reached out to people in your past who have wronged you or you have wronged and left an apology message regardless of whether it was your fault or not -

only to get a reply a few days later from your ex saying he never wanted the relationship to end and wanted nothing more than to be with you - 

reading the message you wonder to

 yourself what the fuck

 is he talking about and 

why is he emailing

me it has been years -

not remembering you sent a message to begin with -

then have a what the fuck was I thinking reaching out to him going through your head -

thinking the past is the past what the fuck - then obsess about why you may have sent the message in the first place in your drug induced state?  

Yah, Me Either!

DISCLAIMER:

REMEMBER THIS IS JUST A FUN BLOG FULL OF SARCASM AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT.  WE ARE NOT DOCTORS, PSYCHOLOGIST OR PEOPLE WHO SHOULD GIVE ADVICE...THE FACT THAT YOU ASKED FOR IT, IS WHY YOU ARE GETTING IT.

Cuddle Bears, Bingo Halls and Dodge Ball

I think about things.  Constantly slipping into a dream of quandary, asking my self questions of great importance, some I know the answer to, most I dream of the day I can final say, “AH-HAA”!  Instead of Advice Wednesday, I decided to list out the top few questions or problems I need solved.  Like the song…I’ve Got 99 Problems …. A challenge to all my Manalopes and Bitchachos!  Answer me these riddles….

I have never understood why people manipulate, lie and cheat those they love.  We all have done it once but what about those that cannot quit.

When trying to argue a political, religious or hot topic, why is it that people use, “ur” and “aint” in their written rant to support their belief?  Why do they not see how ignorant it makes them look?

Why is there always just enough butter left in the tub to put it back in the frig but not enough for the next person to butter their toast?  I want butter on my toast bitch! 

Why would retailers sell cloths that are cut one specific way in 24 sizes for women.  It is obvious that spandex do not look the same on every size as well as that flowy tent looking shirt, it still looks like a tent on a size 4.

Why would someone call you a friend and take advantage of your kindness or help at the same time?  (I think I can answer this…lack of integrity)

Why doesn’t the sun always come out tomorrow? 

Is it just me or does the song 99 bottles of beer on the wall make you want to puke by 88 or what??  Can anyone make it to zero and still stand?

In the story Jack and Jill - I always thought they were brother and sister.  So are they?

Where do the socks really go?  I need to know today.

What does Jay Z stand for?

Why do men need fast cars?

Is there really a rainbow connection and if so when it connects what happens?

With these few things answered I am pretty sure I will sleep better.  There may be a chance after this enlightenment to actually tackle a specific subject in a blog one day.  I imagine upon having all the answers I will have this free inner sparkly feeling that makes fur glisten and my meow, ROAR.

Kitty

Kindness has nothing on Vodka!

Do you ever have weird and boring conversations with your neighbors that started out really great in your head – Almost Magical – making you a hero with bright sparkling glitter glowing from your skin and sound of angels saying ,  

“  AHHHH “ as you walked away?  

Yah - me either…

In trying to be helpful I handed my neighbor a pair of garden gloves to use.  I was given them by the idiot at some point and just didn’t need them – I thought to myself, in all the shit that came in getting these gloves – I can do some good for someone else.  All these thoughts were very serious and deliberate in my head and I thought out giving away the gloves that I had used twice…

So imagine me (yes, Your VERY OWN Kitty) walking over to the neighbor who is out on her deck with dirt all over and asking if she would like some gloves…(Do you have that picture in your head yet?  Get it right, you will need it!)

Here is how the conversation went.

Kitty: Hi, I saw you out here working on your planters and thought you might like these gardening gloves.  You do a great job with these plants, I pretty much kill everything…(reaching out with gloves to hand her and speaking fast, felt like a turbo jet had taken over my brain and definitely didn’t feel awkward in my head when I had thought it all out – Nope, now it is definitely weird and awkward).

Neighbor: I have gloves (in my head: Shit, I hadn’t thought about that) I just like the dirt in between my fingers.  Makes me feel one with my plants.

Kitty: ~*- Thinking to myself - *~don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor….

Kitty: (with blank stare – pretty sure I saw stars and bumble bees in all my confusion) Oh.  Ok. (I start to walk away because I hadn’t prepared for this scenario.  I had only prepared for the “Gee, Thanks” or the No, you keep them – No, I insist, keep them you need a pair!)

Neighbor: Kitty, thanks for thinking of me.  I was wondering why you have been staring at me for the last 5 or 10 minutes.

Kitty: Staring?  Really?  I was?

Neighbor: I wasn’t sure if you were just zoning out or what…are you ok?  I haven’t seen much of you or the Kitten lately.  I noticed you have been quiet lately…

Kitty: I feel awkward.  I didn’t mean to stare.  I just thought you might like some gloves.  Quiet?  Am I loud?  That reminds me…I need to turn on the music!

Neighbor: If it makes you feel better I will take them … Oh and what kind of music do you listen to?  My husband and I don’t get it at all.  How about some middle of the road stuff in the back yard?

Kitty: No.  I am good.  A little bored right now.  Middle of the road?  What does that mean?

Again  ~*- Thinking to myself - *~don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor, don’t say something smart-ass or sarcastic and piss off the new neighbor….

Neighbor: You know like top 40 or some oldies.

Kitty:  I have no idea what you mean when you say 40 or oldies.  I am in my 30’s.  I like punk, alternative and a little bit of everything, tonight I will play some Bouncing Souls and Milli Vanilli

to please the entire neighborhood.  Sound Good? 

Neighbor: Blank stare (seems like this lasted for 5 minutes)

Kitty: Want a martini?

Neighbor: Do you have gin or do you have vodka.   I do not drink gin.

Kitty: Psshhh.  Of course I have vodka.  And as far as gin is concerned….one night I went out with Nico – you don’t know her – and she and I were never the same again.  No Gin for this Lady (pointing to my own chest!)…

Neighbor: I will be over in 15 minutes. 

Moral of this story:

Don’t offer your neighbor a pair of gloves or anything you think that might help them.  They don’t need your help.  If they needed something they would ask.  All you are doing is opening up yourself to insult.  For example…music…I would have probably never had to talk about Milli Vanilli if I had just thrown those fucking gloves away when I had the chance!   What your neighbor does need is - A Vodka Martini!!

Had I just thought about the martini in the first place this long drawn out awkward conversation would have never taken place and we would have been drinking sooner!  Oh well.  This is the life of a Kitty who just cant keep it together the way she keeps it together in her head.  A big MEOW is all there i s left in these situations .... MEOW!

Make Your Own Par-TAY

Can you tell me how you started your page and what your plans are to grow with it?  I am thinking of doing the same thing.

Suzy

Dear Suzy –

The fun is figuring it out.  Either you are creative or you aren’t.  I can’t teach you personality.  Honestly it has taken decades of shit going wrong to shape my humor.  Learn to laugh at yourself and mistakes and you might have something!  Be your own cheer leader!! Go on with your bad-self, Mama!

Kitty

Dear Suzy –

I have no fucking clue.  Dumb letter.

Norm

Dear Suzy –

There is only ONE Kitty! Often imitated never duplicated.

Buttercup

Woman's Intuition

Dear Kitty’s Sarcasm,

I am worried that my boyfriend is cheating on me.  There have been all the signs, but I cannot prove it.  He is deleting his call history, he has been taking calls and then all of a sudden having to run to the store for something and just coming back with a pop or a candy bar.  He decided to stay home all last weekend when we had a camping trip planned with a bunch of friends and insisted that I still go.  I normally don’t go through his phone but it’s been weird lately so I did and noticed his call history cleared, checked it again the next day and same thing.  I have that feeling in my gut.  We have been together for coming up on two and half years. We moved in together about nine months ago.  What should I do?  I am afraid to ask because I hate conflict and am worried it will cause a fight.  I have no proof.  I do not think I can go on like this. 

I am freaking out.  I am looking for real advice here.  I know you have a page that is for humor and I expect some of that, but if you have gone through this or have real advice I would love some of that too.

Worried Woman

Dear Worried Woman –

A woman’s intuition is usually right, I said usually because that is not 100% of the time.  You need to talk to him about it all.  Or you could keep it inside, continue to snoop, drive yourself crazy and put your relationship on self-destruct.  I often wish when reading the emails I get asking for advice that the writers would give me ALL of the information.  

Like: Has he cheated before?  Are you faithful?  Have you cheated before?  What else is going on in your relationship?

With the information you have provided I have given you the two choices I think are best.  If you feel strongly that he is cheating, ask him.  Otherwise it’s your own damn fault.  Communication is key in any kind of relationship.  

If he is cheating, kick him in the balls and pack him a bag.  I have posted a song that comes to mind like I do most of the time.  Enjoy.

Kitty

-------------

Dear Woman Worried –

As a man I can tell you that this sounds fishy.  Behavior changes from anyone should raise a flag.  My question is why is CHEATING the first thing that comes to your mind?  Maybe he is planning a surpise party for you or something.  I don’t know what to tell you.  You are already invading his space.  You might as well ask him about it.  Usually someone who has cheated or is cheating is the accuser.  So think about that.

Norm

-------------

Dear Worried Woman-

Once you start questioning loyalty you have lost any relationship you are in. If he is making you feel like you are not the love of his life then maybe it's time to move on.  Every person deserves to love and be loved without fearing betrayal.  Remember it goes both ways.  Your partner deserves to be loved and be loved, it might just not be with you.

Beulah

-------------

Dear Worried Woman –

 SERIOUSLY….what do you do???KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB!!!! If all of the signs are there, what are you waiting for? A written invitation from God himself? Go to the store with him and buy yourself a clue!

Buttercup

Stupid Girl...I mean BOY!

Dear Advice Wednesday –

I am a 32 year old man in the South part of the USA.  I have been single for 7 years now.  I am having trouble meeting women that are worth a long term relationship.  I work a lot.  I find it hard to date or see someone more than 1 or 2 times a week with my busy work schedule and social commitments.  I play rugby and softball on teams locally.  I have tried dating from friends hooking me up.  I have tried free and pay sites online.  I thought joining a coed softball team would not only keep me active but I would meet more people that way.  Turns out most of my team mates are couples or in relationships.

What do I do next, I feel like a puss asking as a man for advice on this but there must be a clock in men too.  I feel my age coming on quickly these days.

Lonely Man

Dear Lonley Man –

First thing I want to say is, SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I have girl friends who whine like this about their clock and being lonely.  When you are on this "high horse mission" to find someone you generally end up settling.  


Just sayin.  


I have been there and I hate the past me!!  Enjoy your life and stop acting like a desperate douche woman. I posted a song for you.  Stop acting like a STUPID GIRL.

Kitty

Dear Lonely Man –

I don’t know where to start with you.  Kitty and I talked about your letter this morning and all I can say is, pathetic.  Men and Women like you are one of the reasons for the divorce rate.  Wait it out and it will happen on it’s own.

Norm

Dear Lonely Man -


UMMM scratching my head…You feel like a puss? Maybe because playing sports isn’t the ONLY way to find people and social sites aren’t always the only way to find people! 

Buttercup 

Dear Lonely Man –

There is alot to be said for other social circles like church, volunteering and athletic clubs for cycling and running.  Once you start living your life without needing someone else, well...you will find her then.

Beulah

Big Girl Panties ASAP

My husband and I are separated.  We have filed for divorce.  Where we live you have to be separated for a year before you can do anything.  I have exhausted all resources trying to save my marriage.  Counseling, forgiveness, etc.  He just cannot be faithful or tell the truth is what it boils down to.  I had to make the choice after over 8 years to walk away with my sanity and pride.  I feel like I am ready to start dating again.  My girlfriends tell me it is too soon (he moved out in late March of this year).  My male friends tell me go for it.  Is there a time frame I am supposed to wait?  I feel ready to start meeting people again.

Separate and Ready

Dear Separate and Ready,

Are you asking me permission to start having sex?  That is what I am guessing!  Only you know if you are ready.  I am not the person to ask permission to date or have sex.  The bigger question is what did you learned from your failed marriage and are you going to go into a new “relationship” (I put that in quotes because I am guessing you are just horny or one of those women who just HAS to be in a relationship to feel worth anything…which is a whole other rant I could go on) with old baggage you should have left on the curb or have you grown?  Be a big girl and make your own choices.

Kitty

Dear Separate and Ready,

Having never been married I don’t know what to say.  But if you are looking for a hook up, send me a picture.

Norm

Dear Separate and Ready,

Go for it.  Be responsible, guard your children and don't fall in love. 

Beulah