I started Kitty's Sarcasm as a place to share my "less than appropriate" posts for my friends and family members who had a similar sense of humor. To no offend anyone close to me, a place to let it all out I suppose. About three months after that...my ex husband and I split. That was 2012. It ended up being an outlet for me to get through divorce, life, motherhood, and everything else. Fast forward to 2016 and here we are. I have remained single and have dated here and there but this year was the first time since 2011/2012 that I really put myself out there to someone. Meaning, let my whole guard down. I showed this man a glimpse of the real me. Two months of "hanging out" (or what ever the fuck you call it) and he decided to walk away. I suppose I did too. It's just the way he did it that really is frustrating. He didn't have the respect to say it to my face nor the care for me express his thoughts until several weeks after he had made up his mind. This led to me feeling sad and confused for a few weeks. Normally, in the past...I would not have let myself feel sad or confused for that long...but something in me apparently has changed in the past four years. I used to be someone who ran away from complicated or hard. I stuck around in my confusion waiting.
Waiting for him to come around and at least tell me to fuck off or something. After two weeks all he could do was ignore me and forget (so he says) plans that we had made. All he did was show me how little I actually meant to him in return. So I then stepped back. He called me this week and we finally talked. He said he knew I was mad about him forgetting our plans. I was honest and told him that I was not mad at him at all (I am not mad, I am hurt. I guess I lied by omission by not telling him how he treated me made cry on several occasions and the last man that made me cry that wasn't a family member was my ex husband and he really is a self ass for not being honest). He told me he needed to take a step back because he couldn't allow himself to get more attached to me. He told me he was moving (out of the state). I always knew in the back of my head he may want to move at some point, even though he assured me through the past few months that he had no plans to and even told me that if things were good with us he would stay to see what happens. He lied to me. Maybe he even lied to himself, I don't know. I cannot say if my heart hurts because I love him or loved him. I am not sure I even know what love is anymore. I mean, it would be nuts to love someone after two months of hanging out and who treated me like garbage in the end. But I can say that it hurts. Like literally, I am that fucking idiot girl who gets misty eyes when I think about this. I'm trying to be tough. I keep telling myself he must not be worth my time nor my love at some point. The problem I think I am having with this all is that when I was with him, around him everything made sense. He made me feel calm. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am not usually a super calm person internally. I am so pissed that I let myself open up.
I am pissed that I even thought it would be a good idea.
Because honestly, initially I didn't think it would be. I guess mostly, I am just mad at myself for missing someone that could care less about me. I am upset I let myself turn into this. I shared things with him that some of the closest people to me do not know or probably recall. I suppose I can rejoice in the fact that after four years my heart still works and I have not turned into someone who cannot feel for anyone. I suppose I should be happy that I've proven I am ready to move forward with my life. I just find it so upsetting that I cannot seem to choose correctly....ever.
I am sharing this all because I want to rid myself of this. I want to be a stone cold heart and get past this. I want to no longer feel or look foolish for caring for someone too soon or too much and getting nothing but the middle fucking finger in return.
So in Kitty form...I dump my angst here and leave it. God, I hope I can leave it. Because I look and feel like a real fucking idiot. I am so much better than this. I know it. You know it. I just need to get myself together. Fuck! Someone hand me a vodka martini and tell me suck it up and get over it. There is no time for this. I can hear Tom Hanks yelling at me now!
So there it is. I am gong to get over this and over myself. I'm assuming this is something where "getting over myself" and "sucking it up" will solve this all for me. God, I am an asshole. I hate that I am such an ass-hat that I even am feeling anything like this about this person who literally showed me no regard. I need to get angry maybe? Or just pour a drink and trying forget it all. Because anger is the farthest from what I want to feel.
So this is the end of my foolish adventure with someone I wish I could be angry with but cannot.
OK.
It's time to get back to being happy Kitty! Who's ready?
That's all.
